Here's my list of seven things all twenty-somethings should know to have healthy relationships that honor God:
1.) If you don't have peace, don't continue.
When you walk closely with God, He often leads and guides with either the presence or absence of peace. God's peace is not just a feeling, but rather a deep knowing in your heart. If you're walking close with God and you don't have peace about a relationship with someone, don't continue. Don't keep going in your own wisdom, just hoping for the best. We cannot rely on our own wisdom or perspective. God knows the heart of the person we are dating far more than we ever could. He knows who is right for us and He knows who is wrong for us. Trust Him to guide you. And don't insist on your own way. Which leads me to #2...
2.) God's will is always better than ours. Always.
I was dating a guy once and it was going really well. We had a lot in common and both seemed to have a similar love and passion for the Lord. One night as I was praying, I felt God asking me to surrender this relationship to Him and to pray for His will to be done, not my will. Shortly after, we called things off. I didn't want to see it end and I hadn't tried to make it happen, but when I surrendered it to God and gave it to Him, it dissolved. God told me to move on. It wasn't right. I didn't understand then, but months later I saw exactly why God didn't let it work out. And I am so grateful that it didn't! So grateful! God truly knows what is best for us even when we may not understand why things don't work out. His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. He knows better than we do. Always.
3.) Just because you don't end up getting married doesn't mean that it was meaningless.
Another time, I was dating a guy who loved writing as much as I did. On our dates, we would often spend hours talking about our dreams to become authors and write books one day. It was so much fun being able to talk with him and inspire and encourage each other. We didn't get engaged or married. But you know what? He helped remind me of all the reasons why I love to write and why I'm a writer. God used him in a profound way to motivate me to write my book, which I started last summer and finished just four months later. I honestly don't think I would have done this if God had not let him into my life for that season. Just because things don't work out like a fairytale doesn't mean that it all was a waste. God will bring one person into our life to be our spouse, but He will use many other people to speak to us throughout our lifetimes and use them to shape us into the people He wants us to be. I often pray that just as God used this young man's presence in my life to encourage me, God used my presence in his life to encourage him. Knowing God, I'm sure He did.
4.) It's about more than a wedding.
Growing up, I dreamed about marrying Prince Charming one day, wearing a princess gown, and having an amazing wedding. Okay, I still dream about that. But honestly, I've learned something. Marriage is more than a wedding or a story book ending. It's about God bringing two people together to bring Him more glory together than they would apart. As a little girl, I had such a simplified understanding of what it meant to be a bride and a wife. Now as a young woman, I can see through the examples of family, friends, and couples in my church that God brings a man and a woman together because He wants to do great things with both of them working as one for His glory. And if you ask me, that's a lot more awesome than just a big party on one day of your life. Weddings are cool, but marriage is even better.
5.) "You are significant with or without a significant other."
One of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, always says this: "You are significant with or without a significant other." I couldn't agree more. So often people view singleness as something to get through, a season of life that they cannot wait to be over. But I believe that if we let it, God will use our singleness to teach us that our relationship with Him is the most important relationship we could ever have, and that any healthy romantic relationship we have with someone else will be because we are secure in our relationship with Him first. Before we share our life with someone else, we need to know who we are and Whose we are. Who has God created you to be? What does He want you to do with your life? Spend time asking those questions and you'll be more prepared to see who's going in that direction, too. Someone God just might be preparing to walk alongside you. But don't let that be the reason why; don't go on a quest of self-discovery so you can find someone else. Let God show you who He created you to be and how He wants to use you in this world for His glory. I promise you, it is a exciting adventure worth going on - with or without a significant other.
6.) God is able.
It sounds simple, but people get all freaked out about meeting the right person or marrying the wrong person. I understand that a little. When you pass the middle of your twenties and there's still no ring on your left hand, you can begin to wonder when God is going to write your love story. But we needn't worry or try to answer all the questions we may have about why. Because get this: God is able. He is able to do more than we could ever ask or imagine. And He has given us His Son, Jesus Christ, so that we may have a close relationship with Him. He sent Jesus to die and rise again so that we might be forgiven and redeemed. We believe that God cares about our souls and has the power to save us and that He, in fact, has done so. So then, how hard is it to also believe that He cares about our hearts and our dreams and is also able to give us our heart's desire in His perfect timing and in His perfect ways? It's not hard for Him. He is able to work out the who, what, when, where, and how of our love story.
7.) It's all about Jesus.
Our relationships aren't solely about us. They're about God. Marriage is God's idea. And marriage is a picture of God's love for this world. He designed marriage for His glory, not ours. I've heard enough married couples say that marriage isn't always easy. It requires selflessness, sacrifice, forgiveness, and unconditional love. It requires choosing to love someone when you wake up each morning and dedicating your life to one person. God intends for marriage to show the watching world what a pure and holy love looks like, how deeply His love is for humanity. Two people who understand this won't waste their time on petty fights or disagreements. They will learn to work together and love each other well for God's glory and honor and praise. When I get married one day, I pray that our love shows God's love, the greatest love ever. I can think of no greater privilege and no greater purpose for my future marriage.
Single, dating, engaged, or married - whenever this blog post finds you, I pray God's good, pleasing, and perfect will to be done in your relationships for His glory. Let's trust Him and see His goodness in our lives. And let us always remember that it is all about Him. With Jesus, our Good Shepherd, and the Holy Spirit guiding our path, we can trust that God is also guiding the path of our future spouse.
Remember this: Jesus Christ's love for us is enough. More than enough. His love in our hearts is the only way we can ever love anyone else as we should - from a place of wholeness and holiness. Let's love Jesus with all that we are and trust Him with all of our hearts. He is faithful!