People call a person’s 33rd year of life their “Jesus year.” I first heard of this I think when I was just turning 33 last October. I never knew that some people associated their thirty-third year with Jesus before. It’s not hard to see why, though. Jesus is believed by historians and Bible scholars to have been around the age of 33 when He was crucified and resurrected here on this earth.
Of course, some will use this phrasing perhaps in a sacrilegious manner. But that’s not my intention obviously. I know other Eastern religions also believe this year to be one of distinctive transformation and personal growth.
I used the term “Jesus year” with all the sacredness possible in reflecting in awe that one is the same age of Christ during such monumental, world-changing, history-shifting events.
I cannot attest that everyone will experience profound growth in self over the course of being 33. However, I certainly did. I wouldn’t have ever asked for or imagined what 33 would hold for me. But I forever changed by what happened this past year.
As I approach my 34th birthday soon, I am in awe of what Christ has seen me through these past 365 days. It’s been surreal to be the same age as Jesus during such a pivotal year for me - one of truly feeling like I needed a resurrection. A year of feeling the death to self, the death to my will, the death to my self-reliance and self-sufficiency. The death to my past self and a resurrection into the woman Christ calls me to be. And a rebirth, if you will, into who God wants me to be and more focused on what He’s created me to do.
Long story short, my idols failed me this year. ALL of them. Those things I was placing on the throne of my heart instead of Jesus - they disappointed me. They lied to me. They weren’t every sources of salvation for me. And when they failed me because I had them in a place they NEVER should be, my world absolutely and utterly shattered, with the twists and turns of a Hollywood movie script. Almost unbelievable to believe. Yet really true and really happening to me.
Thankfully, the end of my idols was not the end of my Savior. And because I am His, their end was not my end - even if it felt like it at the time.
In her book, La La Lovely: The art of finding beauty in the everyday, author Trina McNeilly writes that, “What feels like the end is often the beginning” (p. 38). She goes on to quote a poet: “For among these winters there is one so endlessly winter that only by wintering through it will your heart survive” (p. 39).
My heart endured such a winter this year.
And Christ got me to the other side. Along with His people, the church and my amazing friends and family.
I have more questions than answers. But I do have answers. I know why the winter came. I know how it came. And I know that it wasn’t meaningless: God’s entrusted this story to me for a reason. I didn’t just live through all of this for nothing.
Yet I still don’t understand everything about it all. I’m done begging God for answers. I’m learning to give Him time to redeem the stories of my 33rd year, time for the snow to thaw and spring to arrive. It always does.
I’ll end with a quote that was a lifeline to me during this past year, one that will forever stay with me because of the hope it inspired in my heart, soul, and spirit during the coldest part of my winter season:
“…nothing that ever comes against [us] ever has the power to disrupt the perfect plans of God, and…nothing that befalls [us] is either surprising to Him or beyond what He has created [us] to be able to bear… [It’s not that ‘God is doing this to you,’ but rather, ‘His plans for you will not be and cannot be in any way disrupted by this. Trust that He faithfully created you with everything you need to face this - because He has always known it would come’ .”
-Stephanie Tait, The View From Rock Bottom (p. 41).
It’s that last line for me. I certainly didn't know that all that came would come. But I take comfort in the fact that God did.
He saw me going through the winter.
He saw when the bottom would fall out.
When the rug would get pulled out from under me with one fell swoop.
When my world would crumble completely.
When my soul would be crushed beyond recognition.
When my fragile heart would break into what felt like a billion pieces, irreparable and forever broken.
But He also saw me reaching the other side.
He also saw me rising from the ashes.
He also saw me healing from wounds from years and years ago, finally.
He also saw me getting stronger in Christ and sharing my story to help others in their pain.
He saw that all, too.
He let my 33rd year happen because He sees what I cannot. The devil lied when he said it was the end. God never leaves His people in a winter season forever. Our stories don’t end in heartbreak. They don’t end without redemption. If that’s you - if you feel like your winter will never end, can I reach back with the blizzard still fresh in my mind, and tell you, implore you to hold on because He’s not done. He’s still writing your story and there’s no way He’s going to leave such an amazing character like you stranded out in the cold.
No, no, my friend.
He’s too good.
Spring always comes.
Hope always returns.
Jesus always saves.
You’re so loved by Jesus,
Colleen